Learning to love

The Sacred Marriage seminar with Gary Thomas last weekend was a tremendous blessing.  Marriages were strengthened.  I’m certain some were even saved.

A realization I personally came to is how most people (myself included) get married for selfish reasons.  Before meeting and marrying Monica, I recall thinking things like, When am I going to find a wife so I won’t be lonely?  When will I find the special someone with whom I can share my joys and struggles?  I wanted to get married to be loved.  The word selfish probably never came from my lips, but, consciously and/or subconsciously, that’s how my mind worked.  I badly wanted the joy of being married; ironically, selfishness never leads to joy.

Most people get married in the hopes that they will be loved.

What if most people married in order to learn to love?

Catch the difference?  Whether it’s conveyed explicitly or implicitly, when individuals marry to be loved, they do so thinking, What’s in it for me?  As soon as one’s partner’s love wanes in the ebb and flow of life together, one may begin thinking that it’s time to abandon his/her marriage.

On the other hand, when we marry in order to learn to love, the focus shifts away from oneself and towards one’s spouse.  Now the other’s character and needs and wants become the highest priority.  The marriage is stronger because it is not as easily threatened by seasons of decreased romance and passion.  The value of our marriage and of our spouse is no longer calculated based on our spouse’s performance, by the grade we’ve assessed his/her current level of love expressed towards us.  Instead, with perseverance, we’ll keep asking ourselves, What am I doing to love my partner deeper and better?

Asking questions like that keeps me from acting like I’m still single despite being married.  Questions like that will train my brain to think more of we and less of me.  And apparently it takes 10-15 years to really begin figuring this out.  How many people forfeit the joy that could be theirs by bailing out before the me truly turns into a united we?

Nurturing a sacred marriage

The Sacred Marriage Seminar is happening this weekend at Rough Acres Bible Camp.  I’m looking forward to hearing Gary Thomas speak and elaborate on what small groups in northern BC churches have been discussing over the course of this past year – namely the principles within his book Sacred Marriage.

The subtitle reveals much about its contents: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”  It’s quite different than any other book I’ve read about marriage.  I would not call it a “how to” book.  It’s a book that seeks to nurture a person’s walk with Jesus – a person who happens to be married.  It delves into numerous intersections between faith and marriage.

God invites us to find fulfilment in Him.  How many people get married expecting their spouse to consistently fulfill them, to completely satisfy them, to continually make them happy?  Before Monica and I met, I remember thinking, “I’ll be happy when I find the right person.”  While words can never express how wonderful a blessing Monica is, things can easily go awry when I begin to expect that she will be my only source of fulfilment.  What a horrible burden to put on someone, expecting that s/he will singlehandedly make your life meaningful and give you joy!  Some would call that being your saviour.  You’re only setting your marriage up for failure.

But what if Jesus is your Saviour?  What if you find your ultimate identity and fulfilment in Him?  Then you free your spouse to be your partner, to be a fellow broken yet image-bearing child of God.  Together you and your spouse can explore how God is building character in you both.  And together you can discover God’s purposes for you as individuals, as a couple, as a family.  This does not necessarily make marriage easier; perhaps sometimes it makes marriage harder!  But it makes it richer.

In Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas rightly sees the theme of reconciliation running through the apostle Paul’s writings in the New Testament.  Reflecting on this, Thomas says:

The very nature of Christ’s work was a reconciling work, bringing us together again with God.  Our response is to become reconcilers ourselves…  Everything I do in my life is to be supportive of this Gospel ministry of reconciliation, and that commitment begins by displaying reconciliation in my personal relationships, especially in my marriage.  If my marriage contradicts my message, I have sabotaged the goal of my life: to be pleasing to Christ and to faithfully fulfill the ministry of reconciliation, proclaiming the Good News that we can be reconciled to God through Jesus Christ…

If I’m married only for happiness, and my happiness wanes for whatever reason, one little spark will burn the entire forest of my relationship.  But if my aim is to proclaim and model God’s ministry of reconciliation, my endurance will be fireproof.  (p. 34, 36)

As someone said in the Sacred Marriage small group in which Monica and I participated this past year, doing what makes God happy makes us happy – including, perhaps especially, when it comes to our marriage relationships.

Read more:
I’ve quoted Sacred Marriage in previous blog entries…
:: “Practical Holiness” (25 May 2009)
:: “Savoury Relationships” (10 July 2009)

One more thing:
If you’re thinking about coming to the Sacred Marriage seminar this weekend and haven’t told the organizers, please fill out the registration form and contact them ASAP!

Retreat

At the end of April, Monica and I enjoyed a very relaxing and rejuvenating retreat for pastors and spouses of pastors at Barnabas Family Ministries on Keat’s Island in Howe Sound.  The scenery was breathtaking, the food delicious, the accommodations luxurious, the speaker (Mark Buchanan) inspiring, and the hospitality welcoming.  If you ever have the opportunity to attend a conference at Barnabas, we highly recommend it!