Forgiving and forgetting

My colleague Rick Apperson has started a conversation about forgiveness over on his blog which makes me think of the expression “forgive and forget.”  Forgiving someone or asking for forgiveness are not easy things to do; however, they quickly seem elementary in comparison to forgetting the wrong that was done!  If you’ve been profoundly hurt or you’re carrying around guilt from something hurtful you yourself have done, how long does it take after forgiveness has been offered or received before you can completely forget about it?  Are we unspiritual or even sinful if we harbour these memories as we age or even when we die?

I appreciate how R. Paul Stevens wrestles with the wisdom of forgiving and forgetting in his book Marriage Spirituality: Ten Disciplines for Couples Who Love God:

Perhaps forgetting is not the inability to call up a recorded fact from the deep memory banks of our minds.  Rather, it is the willful decision not to keep calling it up for the purposes of reminder, as a weapon, or as an instrument to put another down. Now that is creative forgetting, and it is exactly what forgiveness inspires. (p. 137)

This is a practical way forgiveness plays out for me.  After forgiving a person, I can choose not to later say, “I remember when you…! This is just like the time you…!”  By avoiding this, I not only extend grace to the person I’ve forgiven, I think I also free myself of bitterness over the event since I’m not repeatedly rehearsing and retelling it.

I’ve been waiting all night for you to wake up!

A few weeks ago when Monica and I were saying good night, I said (in autopilot mode), “See you in the morning.”  Usually Monica replies affirmatively with a “Yep” or “Mm-hmm.”  On this particular night, Monica said, “I look forward to it.”

”Really?” I asked.

”Of course,” she said, rolling over.

Well, that gave me incentive to sleep well and wake up again in the morning, knowing that someone was looking forward to me being awake again!

I wonder if God says something similar to His children each night.  Does He look forward to us waking up again in the morning?  Is He almost childlike in His delight when our eyes blink open first thing in the morning?  If we listen, can we hear Him say, “I’m glad you’re awake again!  I’ve been working all through the night building my Kingdom.  All that’s missing now is you!  Please, let me lead you through this day by my Holy Spirit so you can participate in the good things I have planned.  I don’t want you to miss anything!”

It’s pretty encouraging to know one’s wife looks forward to her husband waking up after a good night’s sleep.  How much more amazing is it to know that our heavenly Father thinks the same thing about His children!  Let’s just not miss the ways He’s marked out for us nor the good things He’s been planning.

Life on the edge

I just finished reading Father to the Fatherless, the biography of Charles Mulli, the founder of Mulli Children’s Family Orphanage in Ndalani, Kenya.  It’s a powerful read, perhaps especially because a friend has shared with me his personal experience of meeting Mr. Mulli and working at his orphanage.

Charles Mulli grew up a poor orphan who was nevertheless able to find work and excel at any job he found.  He eventually became a rich Kenyan who even had connections with the president of the country.  But his heart went out to the orphan boys and girls of Kenya’s cities – children just like he once was.  He began selling everything he had accumulated to begin helping street children until he had spent virtually all his wealth.  Now, however, he believes he is richer than ever before.

Around the point they finally spent the very last of their wealth on orphans, Charles’ wife Esther asked him if he was completely sure of what they were doing.  He replied:

I’ve never regretted this decision…  It isn’t boring, is it?  …This is the edge.  This is real life.  The burden on us is too much to bear.  That’s how we know we’re in the right place.  Don’t be afraid.  God has to provide.  We have no other hope.  (p. 151)

Charles contends that we know we’re in the right place when we’re forced to depend entirely on God.  It reminds me of the first beatitude in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount.

Along the same line of thought, Charles was once asked how he knew so certainly that God would come through for him and that things would work out.  Charles said:

The critical thing is faith, the belief that God will provide.  I ask myself the question: Why am I doing what I’m doing?  Is it for me, or is it for God?  And whether you are in ministry or in business or whatever you are doing, that’s the same question for all of us.  (p. 232)

More sticks and stones and hurtful words

Commenting on my post yesterday about the hurt words can cause, my colleague Rick Apperson reminded me of something in New Testament writer James’ letter:

Everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak,
and slow to become angry.  (James 1:19)

James is also the one who compares the tongue to the spark that starts a forest fire.  That analogy is very apt for those of us living in British Columbia where “more than 2000 forest fires have been sparked, stretching firefighting resources and forcing thousands of evacuations,” as CBC reports.  Members of the church I pastor are forest firefighters, so I have heard some firsthand reports of the havoc fires are causing around the province.  Wide swaths of backcountry popular with locals and tourists alike have been reduced to ashen rubble.  Countless hectares of trees and undergrowth have been ravaged, decimating the animals who lived in them.  Families have been forced out of their homes, some returning only to charred remains of what once used to be their house.

That’s what James compares a careless tongue to – the spark that sets off an inferno of destruction…

Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.  The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.  It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.  (James 3:5-6)

No wonder we should think before we speak.

Photo:
Glenrosa Fire near Kelowna BC, July 2009, from CBC.ca’s “BC’s Wildfires in 2009” photo gallery.

Sticks and stones and hurtful words

If I asked for a show of hands Sunday morning for how many people have ever been hurt by someone else’s words, I think it’s safe to say that everyone would raise their hands.  Those of us who are older can probably think of multiple wounds we’ve received from the sharp arrows of others’ words.  But even the youngest can relate:  In surprise I spoke loudly at Jacob for something he did last week, but he thought my raised voice meant I was angry; with big tears and short breaths, he turned away from me to snuggle with and hide by Monica.  No one is immune to hurtful words.  There is probably no cliché more wrong than Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

People have known for a long time that that saying is a lie.  Written hundreds of years ago, the Heidelberg Catechism reminds us that the command to “not murder” (Ex 20:13) goes beyond not taking another person’s life.  When we – with the help of God – agree to live by the sixth commandment, we strive “not to belittle, insult, hate, or kill my neighbour – not by my thoughts, my words, my look, or gesture, and certainly not by actual deeds…” (Lord’s Day 40, Q&A 105).  Human nature – too often my nature and your nature – is that we say nasty things about people, and probably think things that are even worse, regardless of whether or not they’re even true.  But this is not at all what it looks like to love our neighbours as ourselves.

So, what can we do about this?  I suppose one option is to duct tape our mouths shut for the rest of our lives.  It’s extreme, yes, but it guarantees that we’ll never again say something that hurts another person.

Or, perhaps the words of the apostle Paul are more helpful:  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  Here is a better direction in which to take our thoughts and words…

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